There’s something that’s been on my mind, and I need to get it out. As you know, I live with Mom. When I do get to see her (because she works so darned hard all night), it’s usually wonderful. We both love breakfast at any time of the day. She laughs at my jokes. (Most of my jokes. From time to time.) And she’s the strongest person I’ve ever met.
My hero!
The problem is she has no idea that I’ve been digging around in Grandpa’s apartment. None. And she specifically asked me to leave his stuff alone, to let her handle all of it. By herself. No matter how many times I’d say I’d love to help, Mom, I really would, any way I can, she’d insist on taking care of it. That was months ago.
Even though she doesn’t show it, I have a feeling Grandpa’s passing has affected her. It’s why I believe she has yet to visit his apartment. And I tried to wait for her. I really did. But the curiosity had been building up for as long as I can remember. Since I could first climb stairs. Sure, Grandpa would hang out at the house for dinners or let me tag along on walks. But then he’d disappear to his apartment above the garage.
Whenever I knocked on his door and peeked in, he’d say, “Can’t play now, sweetie,” his eyes blinking just above a wall of papers on his desk, while he typed away on his typewriter. His apartment was so filled with books and documents, it looked like a maze. Now I know where I get it from.
Anyway, I did exactly what Mom had asked me not to do. And now that Grandpa’s story has gotten so much bigger than I ever expected, I’m feeling like I should tell her. Especially since I want to interview her for the film. Or not. I don’t know. It can wait. Right?
P.S. Many years ago, when I asked her how she felt about filmmaking, she called it a cute little fantasy for people with money. So, yeah, there’s also that.
Amelia, keep pursuing your dreams! If you love filmmaking, you shouldn’t let anyone get in your way!
Thanks, Amanda. I appreciate that.
From what you have uncovered so far it sounds like your grandfather was involved in something very secretive, you might not want to get your mom involved until you have uncovered the whole story, on the other hand your mom might have more information about what your grandpa was doing in his office all those years!
You’ve perfectly summed up my dilemma. Mom’s already gone through a lot. I certainly don’t want to put her through more. But, then again, what if she knows something? Something important? *BIG SHRUG*
It’s definitely a tough one… I always make hard decision on a full belly and chocolate!
Good thinking. I might have to start that conversation with sprinkled donuts and coffee milk. Noms.
Coffee milk! gosh I miss Rhode Island. Fortunately I brought a jug of Autocrat syrup with me to LA.
tell her what you said on your “about me” page. that this is your way of thanking him. I’m sure she’ll understand that
Yeah? Hmm. Maybe she would understood that. At least I’d like to think so.
I think you should be honest with your mom. You are doing it from a good place and just want to honor your grandfather. Plus, as Stephen said above, she may have insight that would be helpful. You can always butter her up by cooking her breakfast for dinner!
All true, Elizabeth. All true. And breakfast? Sheer brilliance!
Thanks for sharing. Good to get things out sometimes. She may just be trying to protect you from the evils of the world. Maybe there’s something she knows that your grandfather was into that she secretly hopes you won’t find out. Or maybe she’s just being a mom. Either way, I say keep digging, but keep her out of it for now. She’ll find out when the time is right.
Thank you, Ricky. And, honestly, I’m leaning your direction. I don’t want to involve Mom in something that could hurt her in any way, especially when I sense she’s already in pain. But could this eventually help her deal with the loss? And will the time ever be right? *sigh* I wish I knew.
You have to tell her. Involving her will make the project a labor of love.
You do make an interesting point. Why shouldn’t you bring along the people you love on a journey you’re passionate about taking?
I wish my mother was supportive of my dreams. I haven’t spoken to her in over 20 years because she told me “You would never amount to anything in your life.” Don’t make that mistake.
Your words hit home, Jason. My heart goes out to you.
As your mom, I hope she’d be supportive of your dreams. And once she’s over the initial grief stage, maybe she’ll be able to appreciate what you’re doing and maybe even be a part of it.
I don’t know if I’d tell her straight away. I’d try and work out more of what’s going on and when the time’s right, you can tell her; you’ll know when that is.
Danielle, your optimism means so much right now. Seriously.
Amelia, I totally understand where you come from. My mom is my best friend, but there are things even we have trouble sharing, too!
I think it’s really important you always respect your parents, but don’t let her keep you from finding out more about your grandfather. I know she will understand with time; it sounds like his passing has just left a very different effect on her than it has on you. Just give her time, and I know she will come around. Maybe she will even tell you things about him once she has had time to think things through!
Best of luck, and lots of love to you and your mom
Cant wait to hear more!
Okay, now I’m getting teary eyed. Thanks a lot, Rachel! :’)
You’re too sweet! c: No problem!
I am sure that your mom loves you and that her grief has just been hard to deal with. I know when I have lost family members, it was always hard to look back on their belongings. Your mom just needs time to grieve. I would wait to let her know until you have a better idea of what Carlos was up to. I wouldn’t lie to your mom if the subject came up, but I would wait to talk to her until to know what you are dealing with.
* you know
Sage advice, Jennifer. Seriously.
Family is always such a complex problem set. There are just so many factors and you can never tell how someone will react because you don’t always have the full story. Obviously there was a reason your mom didn’t want you getting into your grandfathers things. Now, that reason may be silly, and it may be legitimate, but the fact is you just don’t know. I think you should try to broach the subject of your grandfather with your mom, gauge where she is at with her grief and then decide if telling her will do more harm or more good. Obviously it is a sensitive subject for her, and she may not handle it as objectively as you might hope. People do crazy things when they grieve, it’s not an easy process. Losing a parent is so hard! You know your mom better than anyone Amelia, you’ll be the best judge of what to tell her, and what might just be too much to deal with at the moment.
Thanks for believing in me, Kira. And, yes, I know it’s super late right now (actually it’s early – whoa) and I may sound delirious (probably because I am), but I can’t say enough how lucky I feel to have all of you on this journey with me. So, so lucky. :’)
It’s nice to find someone who is as interested in family history as I am! And hey, what is the Internet for if not to find like minded people willing to help you out from afar!? I hope everything goes well with your mother. She seems understanding, who knows, maybe she might feel it’s time to tell your grandfathers story too. I’m sending you all of my good luck and intuative mother understanding vibes today
What year was your mom born in?
I think that you should let her know soon. Perhaps after you have unearthed a few more things and have more of a complete picture what all this stuff is about.
As for your mom calling film making a “cute little fantasy” don’t let that get you down. Keep pursing your dream. As I recall, Walt’s father wasn’t exactly supportive of his son’s dream to be an artist, but Walt didn’t let that stop him.
Yeah. Deep down, I know my mom meant well, that it’s just her way of protecting me. But maybe following your dreams is just a part of growing up. Maybe.
Every relationship needs a lot of love and trust. I think you need to tell your mother and get her involved in this. The last thing you need is for her to feel betrayed by your lack of sharing deatils about HER FATHER. Trust that she will always look out for you and understand you. On the other hand, mothers can be very protective of their children. She may try to stop you, not from a lack of trust, but from a fear of you getting hurt.
Thanks, Eric. I can see that now. But it’s good to be prepared for anything, at least as prepared as can be.
I am sure it is hard leaving Mom out of the situation. There are some things you just got to do. How about you ask your mom some questions about Grandpa and just say you would like to audio record it for keepsake. I don’t think she would mind. If you present the documentary, when it’s all done and FINAL, who knows, she might really like it and want to use it for Carlos’ memorial service or funeral. (If that hasn’t happened already.)
Also, was your grandfather married? I would ask your grandmother some questions. Hopefully you can use her face, but audio works well too.
Hmm. Interesting. I’m seriously considering taking your suggestion, D.Z. As much as I enjoy the idea of being ready, my MO involves doing things spontaneously and without warning, incorporating just enough charm to get by. Is Mom always a fan of that? Nope. Not especially. But at least it gets the job done, right? Sometimes? Maybe?
As for Grandma, she passed away when I was very young. I didn’t get to know her like I knew Grandpa. I remember her though being a lot like my mom. *sigh* :’)
Amelia,
i am the Dad of two college girls – one is on the “five year plan”, the other heads in to Junior year in a few weeks. All I want is for them to be happy. To be successful in the field they choose. So many of us don’t, or didn’t get to do that. I use social media to keep an eye on my girls’ moods – I try not to be intrusive, but I’ll reply to a tweet occassionally so they know I’m around. We talk and I believe they are generally truthful and forthcoming.
I feel strongly that you need to speak with you Mom about what you’re doing. I think you should be prepared for, “Amelia, I told you…”, but I think, following the initial backlash, when she understands what you’ve done, and WHY…she may be the most valuable partner you could ever find in this endeavour. Good Luck, let us know how it goes.
The five-year plan. I’m quite familiar with that plan.
Thank you, Kevin. You sound like an awesome father. Your daughters are lucky to have you.
Thanks. I am soon lucky to have them.
I definitely think that telling your mom is really important. I was also wondering if you could direct your little group of us in a more specific way? There are things that obviously need to be figured out before we can make any more progress so I was thinking that a priority list in your next post may help!
Your mom is definitely an important person in your life. However, I think that when you have something substantial, then you should share it all with her. That way, she can be extra proud of you!
I really would like for her to be extra proud!
This is a really tough question. So I have to say go with what your heart says if you think it may get to out of your hands and you don’t want your mother get some stress over this mystery then don’t. But if you think your Mother can than you should include her she may have some helpful hints. and if you (or you and your mother) have some trouble finding the answers We’re here To!
My mom IS the strongest person I’ve ever known. Plus I’d really love to show her how all of you are willing to help! She’s so independent I think that would surprise her.
My sympathies, I know this must be a hard time for you and your family. My maternal grandmother died just before Thanksgiving and I’ve really tried to be closer to my mother since because she’s lost her own mother.
Ironically, one of the suggestions I made to her was having a family movie day with 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea sometime this summer, and now I see you’re getting to watch it tonight. I’ve read the book, but I haven’t seen the movie in full yet, although I want to, especially since I visited the real USS Nautilus in Groton, where they have a model of the Disney version. (I don’t know if it’s an original or a replica, though.)
I’m sorry to hear that. It’s clear you understand what I’m going through. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough to be closer to her like you are. This might be a way to.
I also love the idea of family movie day with 20,000 Leagues.
Amelia. I think that you should tell her for two main reasons. The first is that you are close and trust is hard to get back once you have lost it. Secondly if you want to show her you are serious about doing movie making telling her will show her you are becoming a person who can wise decisions and can stand up for what you believe in. Then she can watch you throughout the project and see your passion for it at the sa.e time honoring her and your grandfather.
It’s hard to argue with you, Angel. Everything you’re saying sounds right.
I don’t envy your position with your mom. When I started researching my family a few years ago, I thought my mom’s mother had passed away long ago. My research turned up information that it was, in fact, my grandfather’s second wife that I knew a a child, and that my mom’s actual mother was alive. My mom forbid me to talk to her, even though she may have been able to give me information on the family. Eventually I went behind my mom’s back and wrote a letter. I exchanged a couple of letters and some pictures with her before she passed away a few months later. My mom found my letters in my grandmother’s apartment when she went to clean it out and take care of things. She was mad for a bit, but eventually she understood why I had to try. She understood that I had a need to know. I’m not saying your situation is the same, but I think you need to do what you feel is right, and I think your mom will understand…. even if it takes some time.
Thank you, James. By sharing your own experience, you’re giving me quite a bit of hope.